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I am so annoyed with TCF that I’m sorely tempted to withdraw all my money, convert it to gold doubloons, bury it in mason jars in my moonlit backyard while drunkenly belting out beloved sea chanties and herding a pack of rabid, starving wolves with a novelty light saber into said backyard to act as guardians.  It would surely be safer.  FDIC?  Please.  PRSW is the way to go.

PRSW: What are you lookin' at?

This is the email (NOTE: EMAIL!!!) that I received yesterday:

You can no longer use the following account to make online payments because it was deleted:Business CheckingAny automated or scheduled payments associated with this funding account have been canceled.To schedule payments, you must set up a new funding account.To set up a new funding account, simply log in, click the link to add a funding account, and follow the onscreen instructions.To display your TCF Online Bill Payment information, follow the steps below.

  1. Visit

  2. Sign-in to Online Banking.

  3. Select the Bill Payment tab.

If you have any questions, phone us at 1-800-823-2265.

TCF Express BillsAlert: (234625010)

Thinking it was a scam, I deleted the innocuous little email and went about my day.  As it turns out, this is the only notification I was given that TCF had closed my business checking account.  I only discovered the problem later in the day when I logged on and noticed “closed” listed next to my account number.  Thus began my hopeless, spiraling descent into Financial Institution Hell.

Twenty four hours, five calls to customer service (HUGE oxymoron), two visits to the local branch, one new account opened and then closed, and numberless tears of frustration and probably more than a few grey hairs later, this situation is still not resolved.  It was triggered by an unauthorized signature on a check (we’d never gotten around to putting my husband on the account since we’re hardly ever at the bank at the same time and he had simply forgotten) which TCF has since paid and culminated in a mound of paperwork, hours of phone calls, and an as of yet undetermined amount damage to my business’ reputation for any checks returned during this charade a la Ringling Bros.

All of this pain and consternation could have been avoided with a simple phone call.  What’s wrong, TCF?  Does everyone in your Fraud Prevention department have broken fingers?  Did they forget how to operate a telephone, since they clearly are immune from receiving calls from customers?  Maybe they are all “away from their desks at the moment” shooting paper cones of Hinckley Springs while discussing office politics in between breathless bouts of giggling about the accounts they’ve closed in the last hour just for fun.

Perhaps TCF should provide this free with every account opened.

I decided to do business with TCF for many reasons including their hours of operation, myriad of locations and decent fee structure.  Now, I either have to find a credit union and learn to deal with the shorter hours, no weekends, and only two locations or I have to bend over and invest in some KY and stay with TCF.  Or maybe someone else out there has a suggestion, because I’m fresh out of patience with these banksters.

Either way I’ll be buying mason jars and brushing up on my pirate, matey.  Maybe I’ll make TCF walk the plank after all.  Arrr…


NEXT DAY…I am currently on the phone with Josh, who was kind enough to let me know that loss prevention would have called me if they had my contact information and is astounded to learn that the branch that I went to twice didn’t simply reopen the account.  It seems the branch manager didn’t know she could do that.  In the meantime, payments to my insurance company and at least one of my utility bills have been returned.  My account is still closed.  But there’s light at the end of the tunnel – Josh is on the job….

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